Slowly drifting into a peaceful breeze
Tounge tied and twisted are all my memories
Celebrating a fantasy come true
Packing all my bags
Finally on the move

I’m leavin today
I’m living it, I’m leaving it to change

As I’m driving, I’m captured by the view of
So much beauty, the road becomes my muse
The heat is rising, and my hand surfs through the wind
Cool, calm, collective is the child that lies within

See I’m leavin today
I’m living it, oh I’m leaving it to change
See I believe in today
Oh yes, I’m living it, I’m leaving it to change
But somehow I’ll miss it
I think I’ll really miss it, one day, ooh!

I turn up the radio
And I’m feeling like I’ve never felt before
Turn down the memories of yesteryears and broken dreams
I bring, finally free

Slowly drifting into a peaceful breeze…
I’m leavin today
Oh yes, I’m living it, leaving it to change
Oh no, see I believe in today
I’m living it
Leaving to change
I’m leavin today
Living it, leaving to change
Living, leaving to change
Living it, leaving it
Said I’m living it, I’m leaving it
Living it, leaving it to change
I’m leaving it to change
But somehow I’ll miss it, I think I’ll really miss it one day

Now that my days at Aetna are over and we are moving back to Jacksonville, I find myself listening to Christina Aguilera’s Stripped album again. For those of you who didn’t get a chance to read the story about how my life is changing and my response to the negativity surrounding it, you can read it here. A few nights ago, Colby and I went out to enjoy the last sunset we will get to enjoy together in Illinois. The other sunsets, well, I don’t get to see those because I’m busy packing… Anyway, we drove around Joliet and south of Joliet to the Elwood area. I think we ended up even further south than Elwood, but, nonetheless, it was beautiful. As I was taking pictures in an area that looked like it could be wine country, I turned back to check on Colby and his eyes looked a bit teary. I asked if he was ok and he said he was fine, but I still wonder if he was realizing that this was the last sunset we’d get to enjoy together as this chapter of our lives closes.

The days to come are going to be tough. Colby will coming to Florida, staying for a week, then coming back to Illinois and living with his boss until he is able to secure a job. We’ve done a long distance relationship before, but now that we’re married, I think it will be more difficult to be apart. You see, when he left to go to Moody 5 years ago, he promised I’d have a ring on my finger before he left, but…. Guess who got cold feet and didn’t propose? That’s right. So I wasn’t totally convinced we were going to make it. After all, he was going off to Moody. MOODY! You know, where there is nothing but Christians? I was sure he was going to find someone else who led a better life than me, that was going into ministry like him, and that would go into ministry with him and I’d be nothing but a story from the past… Because of that, I built up these walls to try to not be hurt if that day ever came, so it was easier to say goodbye when he left. Don’t get me wrong, I loved him, but my first instinct is to always protect my heart so when the blow comes, it doesn’t hurt so much and doesn’t take as long to get past. This time, though, we are married. There are no walls to build up and I’ve been crying like a moody teenager knowing that I’m gonna have to take him to the airport and say goodbye to him for who knows how long. Even as I write this, I’m starting to cry. I don’t want to say goodbye but we have to right now. I need to start trying to fly with my new pair of wings. We needed to secure a place to live before the short sale ruined our credit for the next two years. Ugh. Yeah, I know. A lot of personal info, but I guess it’s all part of my blog being personal to me and sharing my life with anyone willing to read it.

My husband listens to a lot of Coldplay. He LOVES Coldplay. There’s one song that he sings a lot in a girly voice that makes me laugh, but ironically it’s about a couple who end up being apart (she dies, but that’s obviously not happening in my situation). Anyway, just about any Coldplay song reminds me of him and I’m sure I’ll wind up crying anytime I hear Coldplay, but, for now, there is one song that does it… If you read my “Layoff” blog, then you know how important music is in helping me get through things. Anyway, there’s a line that says, “Nobody said it was easy. It’s such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard.” And it’s true. It’s so hard even before it’s begun, but with every new chapter in life comes pain from closing another chapter; pain from things that you may have to sacrifice to start your new chapter. When I walked back down the aisle after marrying Colby I never though I’d have to go through life alone again but here I am, 4 years later, and am about to embark on life alone again. Yes, I’ll have my family and friends back, and they’ll have to keep me busy for awhile until Colby comes back, but Colby completes me. He’s my other half. He “gets” me. He’s my family. He’s my best friend. All of his things will be in my new home, but he won’t be there. I’ll get to hear his voice and see him over the computer, but not in person. I’m gonna miss him so much. I don’t know why God has it planned this way. Maybe there are things we have to learn but can’t while we’re living in the same place. Maybe there are ways we need to grow that we can’t if we are together. I don’t know.  I just… don’t…. know…. Honey-I love you and I’m gonna miss you so much!

Anyway, not to depress you! ha! Anyway, here are some photos from our last sunset.

A little back story… In September of 2008, I met Stephanie. She has been my one and only friend here in Illinois. Sad. I know. I guess I’m super picky about my friends, but the friends I do make end up being life long friends. You see, I had a really hard time making friends. Aside from everyone being intimidated by me (ALL of my friends have said they were intimidated by me at first… I don’t know why… hahah) everyone I worked with was at least 10+ years older than me, and everyone I went to school with were all at least 5+ years younger than me. On Friday night, I worried about where my husband and I were going to eat for dinner. Everyone I went to school with was concerned about which party they were going to and what drugs or alcohol were going to be there… Columbia is an art school… A private art school. Naturally, the majority of the students don’t believe in responsibility, they’re usually stoners, they have parents who are paying their ungodly tuition bill, etc. It would make me SOOO angry that I would work four 10 hour days so I could have one day at school during the week. I’d show up on time, have all of my work done, participate in class, and work my butt off for a good grade, yet many of my classmates would just not show up to class or when they would they would be late, texting on their cell phones, sleeping, projects and homework weren’t done, etc and they’d get the same final grade as me. Needless to say when Stephanie approached me and started talking to me and I learned that she wasn’t like the majority, we became really good friends really fast.

Going back to my 101 in 1001… One of my objectives was to take public transportation to the city and spend a day in the city taking pictures by myself. Well, I sorta had to modify that but I was still happy with what I did. I had plans yesterday to hang out with Stephanie in her new city apartment at 1. I woke up around 10:30 and got a call from Colby asking if I wanted to have lunch with him at Moody. I said sure, so I hurried to put my make up on, tend to the dogs, and drive out to the city to meet him for lunch. After lunch I did take public transportation to Stephanie’s apartment and took some photos. We went to a bakery to get her a cannoli. We went back to her apartment and then Colby joined us a little later when he got off of work. We then went to Thai Spoon for dinner, all the while taking photos. After dinner we walked Stephanie back to her apartment. We decided not to say our final goodbyes there and to try to hang out one more time before I leave but Stephanie got teary, which in turn choked me up a bit. She’s meant so much to me over these last, almost, 2 years.

Stef-I don’t even know how to begin to describe how much you’ve meant to me over this last, almost, 2 years. I was hugely surprised to find someone like you at Columbia, much less a girl as small as you downing a foot long meatball sub at Subway! lol! I will NEVER forget that! Aside from the funny and fun times, you’ve helped me get through a lot in these last couple of years. You  believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. We’ve had some excellent conversations about so many things and you are one person that I really feel “gets” me. You’re an amazing friend and I so wish I could take you to Florida with me, or move all of my Florida peeps up here, but let’s face it… My Florida peeps wouldn’t survive in this climate! lol!! BUT! You always have a place to stay in Florida and we are definitely going to have to go fishing if you get to come visit and we will do what we can to try to catch you a sword fish! Maybe two! lol!

So while I was in the city yesterday, I did take a few photos I wanted to post for my new Chicago fine art collection below.

Here are some of my regular photos.

It started out being an ugly day. The reunion happened to be the same day as Colby’s birthday. It rained allllll day. It was an outdoor reunion, but luckily they had reserved a covered pavilion. The rain let up for a little while, but despite the rain, we had a fabulous time! David, Colby’s dad, and two of his 4 brothers came with their wives as well as Colby’s brother and his fiance, Colby’s cousin, and one of his sisters. We had a wonderful time and am so glad we had a chance to go! Oh… And no reunion would be complete without Shaquanda… For those of you who don’t know who Shaquanda is, here’s the gist of it… There is a guy who came up with these silly stuffed animals called “Therapy Buddy” that look hilarious… When you squeeze the belly of the smaller ones they say, “Everything is going to be all right.” That’s right. Not alright. All right. Anyway, Colby’s parents came to visit in early 2009 and told us about these things and they just had a great laugh about how dumb there were. So I automatically knew a therapy buddy would be awesome as a gag gift for them for Christmas. We went to Colorado the week before Christmas to spend our own little Christmas with Colby’s dad, David, and his step mom, Debbie, and I was sooo excited to see their reaction. It had been about 10 months or so since they had been to our house and we didn’t mention the therapy buddy the whoooooole year. I got their reaction on video! It was awesome! Anyway, while we were there, we decided she was a boozer and since then, we’ve had a TON of picture messages back and forth of her sucking on the bottle, if you know what I mean. We’ve baby sat her a couple of times… Anyway, on our way to the airport to come back home from Colorado, I decided she needed a name. We collectively decided Shaquanda was her name. Debbie later crocheted and sewed the dreads onto her so she would look like a girl. I love it!!! We also decided to have an intervention with her at the reunion, but she wouldn’t listen to us. She just kept saying, “Everything is going to be all right.” LOL! Here are some photos from the day.

Remember the movie The Notebook? Their story is very much like that story. That movie made me cry. It was one of the sweetest love stories I’ve ever heard, at least until I heard Molly and Pops’ love story. As he spoke about how much he loved her, I could see in his eyes that he still looked at her as though they were falling in love in third grade all over again. Every morning, he changes her sheets, spends time with her, eats breakfast with her, and cares for her the way no one else can.

Molly is a very lucky lady. It’s hard to find a man that stays by your side and loves you no matter what happens, who’s faithful to you even when you don’t remember him, and who spends every day with you, even when you’re not at home. He recalled several stories of how so many of the folks there don’t have people who regularly visit and how many of the male spouses have already moved on to someone else. Not Pops, though. He adores Molly. I think she adores him too. Here are some photos from the visit.

Today, we are in Oklahoma for my father-in-law’s family reunion and we are celebrating Colby’s birthday at the reunion. We’re having all sorts of GREAT BBQ and we’re bringing a couple of delish cakes. For Colby’s cake of choice, we’re doing a 1/4 sheet marble cake with fresh strawberry filling and chocolate butter cream frosting and for the other cake, well, my father-in-law and I just had to have german chocolate.

Colby,

Happy 25th birthday. I love you so much and am glad to be spending your 25th birthday with you. It’s been an amazing journey watching you grow into the man you are today and I’m so lucky to have you as my husband. I hope you have a FABULOUS birthday. Maybe someday, I’ll get to take you on a jet ski again for your birthday, but I think getting to see ALLLL of your family on your birthday is pretty special! I love you. Happy birthday.

Colby reluctantly drove us to Indiana to pick up male #3. Yup. That’s right. He was known as Male #3. I had already decided I wanted to name him Bentley. Jerry had given in and decided to get Male #1 and name him Tyson. We met at a McDonald’s parking lot (because the breeders drove up from Kentucky). They were the size of a hamster. So tiny and cute! We made the exchange and were on our way back to Chicago. Both Tyson and Bentley slept together most of the way. I remember pulling up to Jerry’s condo and handing Tyson over wondering if the brothers would ever see each other again. And, well, they haven’t… because Bentley tries to kill other dogs… He’s not tough, but he thinks he is.

Over the last 3 years, he’s turned into the cutest little boy EVER. He has such a great personality and cute mannerisms that keep us cracking up daily. I think his little voice is the cutest. Yes, he is somewhat spastic and has little dog syndrome, but I’ve learned to love it. All of it. So, happy birthday Bentley! Momma loves you little boy!

Recently I told her all about my layoff, the negativity I’ve gotten all around from people regarding it, and sent her the looooong blog I wrote about it (read it here) before I posted it so she could read it. A couple of days later, the mail lady rang my doorbell. I went downstairs, somewhat baffled, because I didn’t order anything and certainly wasn’t expecting a package from anyone. I open the door and there’s a rather large box sitting there waiting for me. I picked it up and brought it inside. Then I looked down at the name and was like, “What? I wonder what she’s sending me!” I took the package upstairs and opened it and to my shocking surprise it was a box full of my little ponies (plus another random pink horse)!!!! It was AWESOME! It totally tickled me pink and made my day. What tickled me the most was her letter to me. I just loved it.

Here’s the ponies so all you have to draw is the rainbow. Set them up wherever you see fit as long as you see them often-so you do get to see ponies! We are both stubborn enough people to make whatever happen that we want and you’ll be fine as long as you try and give it everything. It won’t be easy, as you know, but you’ll be ok. So here’s the ponies-make the rainbow.

Love, Megan

This is what friends are for. This is what amazing friends are made of. I’ve had the pleasure of knowing Megan for almost 20 years. We have a lot of long running jokes, but one we’ve had for a long time is that when we’re old, we will sit on one of our front porches in rockers with shot guns and yell at the “hoodlums” that go by. I think it’s hilarious but it just goes to show you that this is the kind of friend you have for life. And when we are old and sitting in those rockers, all senile and stuff, I’ll be sure to have the ponies sitting between us on a side table with our famous virgin strawberry daiquiris and the lifetime of memories we’ve made together.

Megan, you’re one of the best friends I could ever have. I miss you sooooo much and I can’t wait to be back in Florida with you!

Dad,

I was thinking recently about the day you gave me away to Colby to marry and be with forever. I remember how you bawled your eyes out, but, of course, you were entitled to because it was the only time you’d ever have to relinquish your post as “care giver” of your one and only daughter to someone else. I wanted to let you know that you put me in good hands. That’s one thing you always did. You always made sure I was in good hands. Even in times that I thought you were being mean just to be mean, it was because you loved me and only wanted the best for me. Now, as I’ve been laid off, something you never wanted to happen and would never wish on anyone, I want you to know that I’m still in good hands. God and Colby are going to take care of me. I miss you so much and I really hope I can be there on your birthday to celebrate. I wish we had a longer chance to talk today but I hope you had an excellent father’s day, not only as a father, but now as a grandfather. I love you. Thank you for being such an amazing father to me.

-Jen

At dinner we talked about how we imagined ourselves at our 4 year anniversary. You know, did we imagine ourselves in Florida, with kids yet, finished with our degrees, etc. Then we talked about what we thought our 10 year and 25 year anniversaries would be like. We didn’t have much to say about our 10 year anniversary, though I believe we’ll have two kids and be done having them by then, and then by our 25 year anniversary they will have graduated from high school. That’s about as far as we got. You know, it’s hard to have intimate, private conversations at a hibachi table since there are 7 other people that you don’t know sitting there listening too.

I’m not much for dancing but I love slow dancing with Colby. I love just getting to hold and hug him while we sway back and forth to “our” song. We tell each other how much we love each other, how lucky we are that we have each other, and how we couldn’t imagine our lives without each other. He’s an amazing man and every day I love him more than I ever thought I could.

I wanted our anniversary day to be special. So these photos are sorta set up like a wedding. I wanted to show you what some of my wedding stuff looked like. Unfortunately most of it is packed since we are moving but this is what I don’t have packed. Enjoy!

Tomorrow, June 16, 2010, is our 4 year wedding anniversary. It seems like just yesterday we were going out of our minds trying to pull everything together for the wedding. I remember the morning of our wedding like it was yesterday. I remember, as I put my make up on in the bathroom of the suite at Club Continental, how I happened to glance out the window that faced the river. I saw you outside helping everyone set things up. And for that brief moment, I stopped and said to myself, “There’s my prince. There’s my man. There’s the amazing man I get to grow old with and spend my life with. There’s the man I’ve prayed for my whole life. There’s my husband.” I remember as early as being 4 years old, my mom would pray with me every night and she would always pray that God would prepare a man for me, to someday marry, and that He would be a Godly man.

And there you were. Four years ago. At the alter. Waiting for me. Waiting to profess your love to me in front of the whole world, and I to you, and to commit to spending my life with you, through thick and thin.

As I walked downstairs with my mom and bridesmaids to start the ceremony, Lauren said to my mom, “I can’t believe how calm she is.” I was calm because I was marrying my best friend. You. Everyone walked down the aisle and then they closed the doors and for that brief moment, I shared the last moment I would ever be an unmarried woman, with my dad as he cried happy tears. His one and only baby girl was all grown up. It was the culmination of my entire life with him and him being my protector and care giver. Then, we both took a deep breathe. The doors opened and we stepped into the next chapter of my life. As I walked, I gazed down the aisle at your handsome face and waved at you, which my mom later said was “sweet.” I didn’t care about anyone else at that moment. Only you. We reached the end of the aisle where you stood waiting to make “the exchange.” My dad held onto me for one last moment and handed the reins to you. He entrusted you with taking care of me. He entrusted you with my life, knowing he was giving me to good hands. We professed to the world that we would spend together forever. It was there that I called you my family. It was there that you became my husband. I was so happy after he pronounced us man and wife that after our kiss, I forgot to get my bouquet back from Megan before I walked back down the aisle! Oops! After that, the rest was history.

Four years later, I am still just as much in love with you as I was then. For the almost 10 years that you’ve been in my life, I’ve been the luckiest girl in the world. You are my prince. You are the amazing man that I continue to get older with and share life with. You’re the man we’ve prayed for all of my life and I love you so much.

Now, as we are about to embark on a new chapter in our lives with me losing my job, but gaining so much more, I couldn’t ask for anyone better to go through this with. You’ve been 100% supportive and you keep me grounded. You are such an amazing man and four years later, I rest in your arms knowing you were the best decision I ever made. I love you. Happy 4 year anniversary.

Love,

Jen

Forever and For Always-Shania Twain

In your arms I can still feel the way you
want me when you hold me
I can still hear the words you whispered
when you told me
I can stay right here forever in your arms

And there ain’t no way–
I’m lettin’ you go now
And there ain’t no way–
and there ain’t not how
I’ll never see that day….

‘Cause I’m keeping you
forever and for always
We will be together all of our days
Wanna wake up every
morning to your sweet face–always

In your heart–I can still hear
a beat for every time you kiss me
And when we’re apart,
I know how much you miss me
I can feel your love for me in your heart

And there ain’t no way–
I’m lettin’ you go now
And there ain’t now way–
and there ain’t no how
I’ll never see that day….

‘Cause I’m keeping you
forever and for always
We will be together all of our days
Wanna wake up every
morning to your sweet face–always

In your eyes I can still see
the look of the one who really loves me
The one who wouldn’t put anything
else in the world above me
I can still see love for me in your eyes

And there ain’t no way–
I’m lettin’ you go now
And there ain’t no way–
and there ain’t no how
I’ll never see that day….

‘Cause I’m keeping you
forever and for always
We will be together all of our days
Wanna wake up every
morning to your sweet face–always

Knowing we’re forever
In your arms